Breakdown
This past week has somewhat been a stressful one for me. It had me reflecting on a lot of decisions I have made in my life; some good, some bad and some so so. I want to thank all of you who have posted on my diary page and who sent emails to me. My friend is doing a little bit better, everyday I can see her confidence coming back.
I am going to share a little of myself; for those of you who are interested in getting to know me better. I went through a similar incident like this one many years ago it feels like. What go me through those hard times was writing. I wrote this particular poem that expressed my feelings and I would like to share it with you:
You called yesterday to basically say
That you care for me but that you're just not in love
Immediately I pretended to be feeling similarly
And led you to believe I was ok
To just walk away from the one thing
That's unyielding and scared to me
So what do you do when somebody you're devoted to
Suddenly just stops loving you and it seems they haven't got a clue
Of the pain that rejection is putting you through
Do you cling to your pride and sing "I will survive"
Do you lash out and say "How dare you leave this way"
Do you hold on in vain as they just slip away
Well I guess I'm trying to be nonchalant about it
And I'm going to extremes to prove I'm fine without you
But in reality I'm slowly losing my mind
Underneath the guise of a smile gradually I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly
Because I don't want to reveal the fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise until I go home at night
And turn down all the lights and then I break down and cry
Hugs & Kisses,
Cameron
posted by Cameron Leigh @ 8:41 PM
1 Comments:
I have noticed that my creativity is more aware when I am feeling pain or extreme happiness. Whenever I am feeling sad I especially like to write poetry. Ten years ago I met a very good friend who is a lesbian and your poem reminded me of how I felt when we disconnected. We were like brother and sister for 5 years and even when we had relationships with others we still had much time for each other.I was very much in love with her and she knew that but we never crossed any sexual barriers since she is truly a lesbian and not merely bi sexual..She had much trust in me so much that I was able to teach her how to swim and she used to be afraid of the water. We used to go to the beach and get hotels with pools and that is where I taught her to swim. She has the body and lips of Angelina Jolie and the eyes of Cat Woman.Her Positive Karma flowed around her at all times.. And a Black belt also..We always had fun wherever we went whether roller blading in the rain or watching the sunset on top of a mountain.We went to a Halloween Party one year and I dressed as Cher and she dressed as Sonny.. LOL I looked like the drag queens queen and she looked very very handsome .. I told her it was the first time I ever thought about kissing a man. I wrote her much poetry and she stimulated it by telling me sometimes she wished she wasn't a lesbian because she wanted to be my lover. Oh that hurt bad but felt so good. I will share one of the poems I wrote to her with you.
Stars Staring silently,
Tell Me how you feel.
Dreams with you I can see,
Take me to your night.
Gentle rains, Summers breeze,
Stars so Bright.
Silenced!from their light.
If I should die tomorrow,
I would search for you again.
Softer worlds,Stronger Rains,
My love for you ..
Stronger than your Light.
Stars Staring silently
Tell me how you feel
Dreams with you I can see.
Take me to your Night.
I wrote numerous poems to her and she kept them all along with a photo album of all the things we had done as in much Beach and Mountains. She usually had relationships with young women in early twenties and all of them had no problem with me. Then she met a divorced middle age woman with children.. When the woman moved in with her and the first time I called and she asked my name she told Linda that Romeo is on the phone... I knew then that things were going down hill quickly.Linda got on the phone and said the other woman had looked through my poetry and her photo album and I was not allowed to visit anymore... Ouch Ouch Ouch That hurt bad ... Six Years later I still get tears in my eyes when I think about her.
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